Befriending neighbors and beneighboring friends
The Casement Window Theory of community building
Last week I mentioned my favorite Live Near Friends anecdote, from a minihood endearingly nicknamed “Radish” in Oakland, CA. There, a community of 20+ friends rent or own homes within a few blocks of each other and share a large communal kitchen and backyard on the largest property, eschewing the algorithms of rugged individualism.
When Carmen and Osman built their house, they chose to install casement windows that open out from the kitchen, just behind the sink, to the outdoors. What seems like a simple architectural decision reveals itself to be a powerful magnetizing force for community.
Opening the casement windows, says Carmen, is a “signal to the community that we’re open for socialization.” Sometimes Osman will put on an apron and play barista or bartender, serving lattes, cocktails, or dog treats. Other times, dubbed “baby happy hour,” Carmen will steam milk for the neighborhood kids while their parents collectively watch over them.
To me, these windows represent some simple, broader principles for inviting community into your life:
Build community into the bones: Carmen and Osman built their aching for codependence not only into the location of their home, but into its very foundation. If that’s something you want, you may need to choose to prioritize it over lower rent, convenience, or a kitchen renovation.
Speak your intentions: Simply installing the windows isn’t enough. Carmen and Osman needed to communicate to their neighbors that an open window was an invitation to mingle.
Cast a wide net: Building meaningful relationships is all about maximizing the opportunities for serendipitous, deep interaction. Opening a window is a gesture that is quite literally within reach, which means that it will be opened more often. And by communicating the signal to a large group of people rather than just one or two, they expand the likelihood that someone will be there to see it.
Reduce social friction: Carmen and Osman never need to ask themselves “is it too soon to invite these friends for coffee again?” Their neighbors never need to wonder “do Carmen and Osman even like hanging out with us?” Nobody needs to coordinate the where or when. The casement windows themselves hold all of the emotional labor of the interaction, making room for connection.
The casement windows are a charming image. But not everyone has the resources to make physical changes to their home. Here are some lighter-lift tools I’ve used to install figurative casement windows into my life:
Invite friends to live near you
When my partner was almost finished with her medical residency in Pittsburgh, we for the first time had the power to decide for ourselves where to live. We knew that directionally, we wanted to live closer to family in New York, but otherwise we wanted to prioritize community. So we sent an email to a large group of friends that we thought might be open to doing the same.
What we learned is that most of our friends hadn’t yet thought about settling down somewhere for good. But many had Philly, a city that was a top contender for us, on their shortlist. So we took the gamble and moved here a year ago, and we never stop reminding our friends to follow suit.
Not sure where to start? You can find an email template (and some additional tips) here:
Start a neighborhood group chat
When we moved to our new home this past December, we met a few of the neighbors on our block here and there, but I was itching to accelerate the process of nesting into our neighborhood. So I wrote up a flier inviting people to a WhatsApp group, printed out a stack of copies, and went door-to-door with my toddler dropping them in mailboxes. Forty people eagerly joined, and now we have a thriving culture of grabbing each others’ packages, sharing ingredients, and asking for advice.
A nice bonus: neighbors started going out of their way to introduce themselves to me when they saw me outdoors. (I also keep a running Notes app doc where I jot down the names of people I meet and how I met them.)
Not sure where to start? You can find a flier template (and some additional tips) here:
Foster a culture of last-minute plans
On a whim during the time we lived in Pittsburgh, I started a WhatsApp group called “last-minute kiddie plans” and invited a few friends with kids. The idea of the group was simple: if you’re doing an activity with your kids, and would welcome company, send a message to the group saying so. Basically, a group-chat-based casement window. Even though I was the one who started it, I was shocked by the exponential effect it had on our interaction with friends. Every visit to the playground became an opportunity to commune with other parents, every trip to the pizza store a potential playdate. The group also became a broader source of community support — people asked for parenting advice, or dropped off meals for parents that were recovering from surgery. The straightforward name and purpose of the group chat had a powerful grounding effect that unlocked a collective care. To date, the group has over 50 members and has exchanged over seven thousand messages.
When we moved to Philly, I missed the group so much that I started another one in my neighborhood here.
While this group focused on kids and parenting, I see it as a model that can just as easily be applied to other relationships: “last-minute friend plans,” or “last-minute co-working plans,” or “last-minute drinks.”
Not sure where to start? You can find an invite template (and some additional tips) here:
🐌 Snail mail
Replies from readers
, founder of Live Near Friends (which I wrote about last week), had this offer for Escape the Algorithm readers:Happy to help any of your readers if they are serious about buying homes near friends. In particular, we are piloting a new service for folks in the SF Bay Area or LA that helps them identify properties that are a particularly good fit for friend compounds. People can DM me if they want to be added to that pilot.
☣️ Algorithmic detritus
Side effects of a world driven by software logic
on the rise of online news hustlers:The blue checkmark: meaningless. The bio: nondescript. The shaky, handheld video itself: unsourced, uncited and presented without comment. Googling “Faytuks News” turned up nothing. The inside of the Discord was a jokey, memey mess. Meanwhile, NBC didn’t yet have the video: A news hustler can travel halfway around the world while the mainstream media is still fact-checking him.
During the Olympics, map apps are intentionally giving people in Paris bad directions:
I had heard rumors about this change, which is designed both to enhance the system’s capacity and keep riders comfortable. But I learned about it the hard way. Leaving the men’s rugby quarter finals last week at the Stade de France, Google Maps led us on a 20-minute walk to a train station on the D line, rather than the 10-minute walk to the B line from which we’d come. Both trains run at the same frequency and go to the same place. Why had we gotten there faster on the way up? Because we’d been guided by a Parisian rugby fan who makes the trip often. None of us had even looked at our phones.
🏃 Escape attempts
Acts of algorithmic resistance
Eyechat is chatroulette but just eyes.
PySkyWifi gives you “completely free, unbelievably stupid wi-fi” on long-haul flights by tunneling data through the airmiles "first name" field.
The Internet Phone Book is a physical directory for exploring the vast, poetic web.
Push Off is a battle-royale-style game where you compete to tap the push notification as quickly as possible.
Spencer’s latest tangible computing project is a ceramic pillow for your phone that triggers do not disturb mode.
📜 Finite scroll
Ripples beneath the interface
J.D. Vance left his Venmo public. A cafe in Thailand unintentionally hijacked the TikTok algorithm. AI Hell Is Begging a Chatbot for a $5 Discount on a Light Fixture. Everyone is a DJ now, and Spotify is quietly killing the concept of albums.
🌸 Screenshot garden
Souvenirs from my internet travels, presented without context
Do you have any scripts for befriending neighbors or beneighboring friends? Let me know by replying, commenting, dming, or emailing me.
I love the concept but am concerned about the seeming lack of consideration for JEDI especially in an area as personal and vital as housing and community as well as given the historical tragedy of redlining. I'm a new reader and was surprised no one commented on it last week, so I thought I'd speak up. Looking through the Radish case and other cases on LNF, the groups seem pretty homogeneous in terms of race and I'm assuming SES, even if some are owning while others are renting. The difference in rents by neighborhood can vary drastically. Overall, I'm concerned their efforts might lead to more pronounced segregation and gentrification in the built environment.
I also love the tips and wonder if readers have ideas of ones that would be replicable across the country. As a QTPOC, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this in some parts of the country, and others with other identities might feel similarly. I'm fortunate to be based in SF but we have a dismal housing record. Many of my friends who wanted to start families have left, but I have experienced the joy of living near friends organically.
Oh I'm so glad I stumbled across this piece. As a housing researcher and fan of meeting neighbours I loved these little practical tips that weren't centred around utopian visions of co-housing types set ups that only seem available to middle/upper class people. Simple but effective tips 💕